Becoming someone new

 Yesterday I wore a tank top. That might not seem like something big to most people, but to me it was huge. 

I haven't shown my shoulders in years unless I was in  a swim suit. I didn't wear tank tops in the summer ever. I was taught it was immodest. Even before I got married and started wearing gs under everything I still never wore a tank top by itself. 

Here's the kicker though, I still didn't wear it all day. Not from feeling uncomfortable for showing my shoulders freely but because the lace on one side of the shirt was chafing my skin haha. It would have touched my skin even if I wore something underneath it. 

Still what an odd thing to be shamed over growing up. I did feel awkward, I'm not going to lie, but not in the guilted way. Like why are my shoulders immodest? 

I have one pair of shorts. Like actual shorts I bought for running years ago. Other than that, nothing. Part of that is because I got rid of clothes after I had Emerly, and haven't had the urge to really buy shorts. 

Anyways, I feel like after this year of hard grieving and covid krap I'm trying to find myself. I'm trying to find what makes me comfortable. One day me and ty will probably try a drink, maybe even a coffee or tea. I'm still confused on what tea is considered good or bad in the LDS religion so I just never drank it really. Ya know...just in case of something. 

As I find myself a little more I might be able to reconcile with what I believe in. I'm now looking at how everyone else raises their kids outside of the LDS religion. I'm slightly terrified of the thought of living in my neighborhood when my kids are teenagers and their friends are going to young women's/men's camp and youth conference and efy. I think that will be the time of our lives we will live in a different country. Let our kids really experience a different culture. Accept everyone for who they are and who they love. 

One last thing, I had someone ask me recently if we had our records removed from the church. I said no, then they were like see you can come back. No. I will never come back. This is not a phase. I'm not a teenager going through a goth phase or anything like that. Let me reiterate to you, my dad got a blessing from Elder Holland to work on the temple and then he had a heart attack at the temple and died. Betrayal of all things I used to believe in?! Hell yes. That was the straw that broke the horses back so to say. 

I miss him so much. There better be a heaven or I'm really going to be pissed when I die.