Hope in heaven

 A little over a year. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I play cards with you every night before bed. Spider solitaire. Your favorite, you would get stuck on it on your iPad and I'd come along and finish the game. It's the only card game I play. I haven't played rummy, gin rummy or idiot in over a year. I don't know when I'll be able to play them again even thinking about yelling to you YOUR TURN makes me cry. I miss you soo much. 

I've driven to Salt Lake twice this year. Both times had panic attacks in the car. It's so hard. That week was so traumatizing. Driving to the hospital every day hoping your eyes would focus on us. Instead they only rolled. 

Emerly lately has been wondering a lot about what happens when we die. Where do we go? What do we look like? Who will be there? It scares me that I feel like I don't know anymore. I tell her we have a spirit and a body because that makes sense to me. We will see you in heaven and hug you. That's what I hope for, what I dream for. 

Being raised LDS and literally losing all faith has been hard. Everyone around me is LDS, and so it's not easy to talk about with them. Those who have left the church are bitter or angry and blame the church for many things... I am bitter and angry but I feel like my reasons do not align with others and so I also do not fit in with those people either. 

Granted I've rarely fit in anywhere. I was talking to Tyler the other day about how friendly and friend loving our daughter is. She is so kind. She wants to be everyone's friend and she loves people. Most kids do, they are great. But friends in general have changed as you grow up. When your little your friends are there to play and have fun. It's seriously the best time in life. 

Things I think changed for me when I went into Spectrum. The friends I had in school no longer wanted to be my friends because I got put into the "smart kids class". Even if we were in the same neighborhood. I remember going to church and they would be kind to me there but at school they would ignore me, like I wasn't cool enough, good enough or pretty enough. 

Then in junior high I met a friend and she brought me into her group of friends. I still felt like an outsider always trying to impress the others. They had established bonds, and it never felt like they wanted me there but because the coolest one wanted me there I was allowed. Thank goodness for people like her. 

I think I've always felt like I need to impress others or get them to like me. Maybe that's why I don't like people. 

There was a girl, she wanted to be my friend. She didn't have many friends, if any. I was afraid of what others would think if I was her friend. Because she wasn't cool enough. I was a mean girl. I regret that soo much. I always tell Emerly the most important thing is to be kind. I'm hoping that I am teaching her to be the friend to everyone. To be the girl that brings in the odd duck. To be brave and play with anyone. 

Now as an adult I find that defining what a friend is can be difficult and easy at the same time. I know I have friends. But I still feel that need to please the people around me in order for them to keep liking me. 

So going back to leaving the church had me worried that I would lose those friends I had made. I don't know what I believe in. I hope there is a heaven. I hope I see my dad again. He was my best friend. He was my daddy. And I feel like I missed out on knowing more about him. I think of my own mortality and how I've lived my life. Would I change anything? Is my story interesting enough for my kids to want to know me more after I'm gone? Probably not haha. I'm just an average person. At least they will have these ramblings to look back on. HI KIDS YOU MOM WAS KIND OF CRAZY. But the good kind of crazy. Freaking papa didn't even keep one journal. And your mom who didn't think her dad would die so early didn't hold onto one piece of paper that he wrote her. Not even a birthday card. Thank goodness your uncle went on a mission and we have those letters. So there's something.