Three months and a few extra days since you've been gone. What's changed? A lot. A shit storm. But I need to write something positive. Anything. Because if I don't, that hole in my heart keeps me awake. It's hard to sleep.... I don't hear you gasping for breathe anymore.... when I do I can't cry quietly. Now I have new terrors keeping me awake at night. New worries.
So for now, here's something positive.
I'm grateful for my siblings and my mom. I love them fiercely. They have not always been there for me, and I have not always been there for them...but I will fight you if I need to should you treat them with disrespect of any kind. Granted, they won't let me fight you. They have restraint. They have patience. They have kindness. I don't understand people who take advantage of those with good hearts. I don't get why people say cruel and heartless things to others who still have a gaping wound in their heart due to you leaving us.
Some of my siblings are too kind. They find it hard to say no to others, they are people pleasers. I am the opposite in a way, I can say no. I want to yell and scream and go all Kung fu. Im so angry and maybe I should take up kick boxing or something because oye vey.
I miss my dads reasoning and advice. He never had a lot of words to say, but he always knew the right ones. He didn't offend people like I do.
I just want to word vomit. But I can't. You'd think this could be a safe space but it's not. If someone reads it and takes it the wrong way, the offense is created. So should I care? Maybe.
As usual lately my sentiments are all over the place. This Father's Day went to the krapper. I have yet to even make it awesome for my husband because I can't get my brain out of this fog.
So I shall listen to the Frozen songs advice on grief and "Do the next right thing" because that's really all I can do.
Also Emerly crying today and saying I want Papa back pretty much broke me again. She saw an airplane in the sky and said Papas in the plane mama. If only that were true.
8 years ago
