Faith shaken not stirred

It's been two weeks since my dad had a heart attack. Mind you, he had more than one that day but not the point. And I'm angry and confused.
My dad was a great man. He helped everyone. So many stories have come out of him going out of his way to help others, and it doesn't even surprise me. He was Christlike. He loved going to temples with my mom. They wanted to go to as many as they could. He LOVED building temples for the church. He supervised the building of the Vernal Ut temple. I remember going to his house there in the summer or on breaks and finding grasshoppers. Seeing the dinosaur park and eating at what he called a "hole in the wall" cafe. I honestly looked for a hole in the wall when we ate there. My dad decided this last year that instead of retiring he would accept his dream job of supervising the historical restoration of the Salt Lake temple. He went to temple sessions with those involved. He would wake up before the butt crack of dawn and head into Salt Lake.
He  was also trying his best to live a healthier life. He went to the doctor for an ekg a month before and they told him he had a lung infection. He bought an exercise bike for indoors. In good weather he was always biking around anyways. He ordered chicken instead of a hamburger when he went to Red Robin with my sister.
And yet....
He had a heart attack he couldn't wake up from.
He was responsive when he went into the ER, but the heart attack in the cath lab...was too damaging.
I yelled at him to wake up. I pleaded with him to stay for my kids. To stay for me.
But he wasn't there. I knew it when his eyes would open but they weren't looking.
I'm so angry.
What good are ekgs? What good are prayers, fasting and living correctly if you can't get a Holy Ghost to prompt you to go to the doctor one more time?! If anyone had soo much good karma to finally be owed a miracle it'd be my dad.
Instead I see an old guy with a beard smoking in the parking lot of the hospital every time I left it holding his IVs and draped in hospital gowns. Why does he get to live?!
I find my dads patriarchal blessing and it says if you honor your parents you'll live a long life. Bullshit. He honored and would help his mom every time she needed it, not to mention his love for his dad.
I couldn't even bring myself to go to my grandmas funeral which was the same day as my dads but earlier because I'm soo mad that she got to live longer. For as long as I can remember she only wanted to die. She would give us things and say, here I won't be here next month how about you have it. Or she would call my dad up to give her an end of life blessing, she even woke up in the middle of the night the night before she died and said, "I'm still alive?!" Seriously.
She just sat on her couch. Ugh... she was a wonderfully nice woman and grandma, and normally I'd be sad or resigned to the fact that she's gone... but today, I'm just pissed at her.
The last time I hugged my dad was Parker's birthday. It's not fair.
He just had to wake up... even just for a little bit. But no, he was ripped from us and we went through limbo hell.
I know I can't change anything but I'm so mad.
What good are prayers from apostles if nothing worked?

So yeah... That's where I'm at currently. I'm angry and confused. I cry every night. The world keeps going crazier and I'm like cool let's just ride this thing with our hands up now and no seat belts on because does it even matter anymore?! During the day, I feel like a zombie with my kids. I'm trying. I have to act happy with them because ignorance is bliss on their part and they really don't get it. I am getting a lot of distraction with a garden I'm attempting. The person I'd ask for advice for is gone so we'll see how things work out. Gosh I miss him. Parker saw a video of him with Emerly and started to stick out his tongue at him. They would do that forever on FaceTime. Freaking FaceTime... can't save or retrieve those videos.

On the plus side... because again, I am trying... people are wonderful people still. So thank you to anyone who is still being nice to me because I know I'm kind of a stick in the mud. I don't know how to move on from this, I don't know how to regain any faith from this. My dad was my rock. I know bad things happen to good people blah blah blah... but whatever.

Hardest week of my life

I was going to post on Facebook, just a blurb but then I'd have to deal with comments and likes and what not. I'm not quite ready for that so hopefully this will suffice any questions or curiosities that people may have. Also I apparently only blog on major occasions.
March 11th, I get a call my dad is being rushed to the hospital because he passes out. I find a wonderful friend to watch my children and start to go. I called the ER, they tell me he is responsive but had a heart attack. I drive for what feels like forever to University hospital. I go to the waiting room and I see my oldest brother crying. That's not right. Brandon doesn't cry. Brandon is strong and makes fun of everything and hunts and can cut people up and put them back together. Brandon doesn't cry. I knew something was wrong before he said papas heart stopped beating and they did CPR for 45 min. They are now trying to place a stent in. Basically I lose it. I'm still losing it, but more quietly. Less of my sister asking me if I need medication.
They got the stent in, but it wasn't enough. His brain didn't get the oxygen it needed and when he was simply supposed to wake up....he didn't. He just got worse. So began the limbo hell. Do we wait it out to see if there is any chance he wakes up? Do we let him go because we know he doesn't want machines attached to him? Hell. Straight up.

So today became St. Papas day.

I'm going to miss you soo much. I'm so angry right now, and scared and beyond depressed. It physically hurts how much I miss you already. The worst is my kids won't get to be played with by papa anymore and Parker didn't get a nickname from you yet. I only have two pictures of you and Parker together, luckily one set are live so they are like mini videos. You FaceTimed him all the time and just stuck your dang tongue out at each other and Parker would point at the phone and laugh and laugh. Freaking FaceTime doesn't save videos. We should have Marco polod but let's be honest there was only so much technology you could handle. You were so excited to get an iPhone you FaceTimed Emerly almost every day for two weeks. Sadly, Emerly is a stinker with phones so we had to limit her FaceTime with papa. I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at myself for so many things. Like why didn't I call you back Tuesday instead of waiting for you to call? I was planning on calling you Wednesday night after you got off work.

I'm a daddys girl. Always have been, always will be. I took his opinion on who I dated more serious than he probably thought. He would always say what about TyTy whenever I would go on a date with a guy while ty was on his mission. He loved teaching ty how to do things around the house. Who do I ask for help now?! You were basically a living google. We didn't even buy our first home without you walking through it and saying yup this is a good deal. Ya know what, it was. We lived there for seven years and barely did anything to it till we decided to move. You helped us redo the deck by using your old treks from when you redid your deck with new treks because why waste a good thing? . I didn't get your walkthrough opinion on our krap house before we bought it because I figured you'd help us fix it up. Seriously, do you know how much work is left to do?!

I guess I get to rummage around your shop aimlessly trying to figure out what will help me. You built moms house in the shape of an L for her name. Such a freaking romantic, we loved watching Ever After together. Or cutting edge, overboard, basically any romance sappy movie we'd watch together. When I had depression you were there. When Tyler left on his mission we watched Tron and transformers and you played cards with me all the time. Idiot, rummy (you'd always go for the aces), nopeeke, crazy 8s, speed. Gin rummy. Sequence game nights with mom. Whose going to be on Tyler's team now?

I never needed lots of friends because you were one of my best friends. I could always depend on you. It never mattered what I did you always loved me. I think you yelled at me maybe twice... once for sticking food behind the fridge and mice got in the house. You always would check my room for spiders because I was terrified of them.

Going to RC Willeys with you to get a hot dog and nothing else was one of my favorite activities. Of course if we saw a yard sale or something with a really good deal we couldn't pass it up. Like the one time we went to X Men together and came home with a motorcycle... it was too good of a deal to pass up. Or when mom bought her the Kia and two weeks later you bought her a Honda because it was such a good deal. Or whenever you came home from grocery shopping and bought the weirdest food and cereal because they were on sale. Always browsing KSL for good deals, goodness it's a good thing you didn't know how to Facebook marketplace.

I'm sorry I bought you Jazz tickets to a San Antonio game... in San Antonio... I blame the other siblings for trusting me hahah.  I am so grateful we were able to send you to Alaska for your 60th birthday but I'm sad you didn't catch that salmon you always wanted to catch.

You are the rock of the family. Whenever I argue with Terra or Brandon you are my reasonable sounding board and you bring us back together.

Who else is going to have elephants rumble under the table with me? Everyone actually cares about not farting around people. We just tried to out stink each other.

You taught me to serve others, always try to shovel snow from peoples drive and do it with a four wheeler. Secret Santa families because we have been given plenty. You didn't teach me how to deal with this pain. Your favorite saying was it'll stop hurting when the pain goes away. I don't think it ever will.

This is enough for tonight. It's a good thing I'm typing otherwise these words would be smeared with tears. Sorry this is all over the place.