God is a Dick.

What do I even believe in anymore? I really was fine with death before. People died... and I was like ok, they are in heaven. Babies died, and I would be like ok, they were too good for this earth. I got that bad things happen to good people.
I still can't understand or comprehend why this happened. I can't even process the whole COVID stuff very well either because I'm still trying to process this.
It's been over a month and I can't even be a good mom half the time. I haven't taught Emerly preschool for awhile, she misses it. I'm barely keeping it together just playing with the kids. Few days she sees me cry and tells me to stop. She doesn't get it. She doesn't get that she is missing out on the best person ever. Parker will never really know him. It's so unfair.

I will never forgive God for this. I'm stubborn, and I will hold this grudge.
My dad was the best. I miss him soo much. I still cry almost every day. I miss his phone calls, I miss playing games with him, I miss talking to him about how to deal with other people in the family, I miss asking him for help and telling him he needs to teach Tyler how to do it.

This is my therapy at the moment. Just writing thoughts down. I don't like talking to people. They say, I'll pray for you. Fuck that. No offense but what prayers helped my dad? None.

His premature death that ripped him away so cruelly from our lives has broken me.

So I've been thinking a lot about my religious beliefs. I stopped wearing garments. I don't feel right wearing them anymore. I don't like the idea of three degrees of heaven. I believe in a God, who is really a dick---seriously, have you seen the world lately?? Besides not giving a shit about one of his most loyal wonderful humans ever, have you read the freaking news? Anyways... I also believe in an afterlife. I have to. I don't believe in karma.

What else I believe in, to live kindly and care about your fellow humans. To serve others. To love everyone. I believe in taking care of your body.... but even when you try you'll still have a gigantic ass heart attack so you might as well eat the ice cream.

Anyways... therapy session done for today, now if the tears can stay at bay till 5. That's when Tyler's off work. How I would manage without him working from home to take Emerly for lunch is beyond me right now.