Struggling with my religious beliefs was something that I have had issues with way before my dad died. But here's the thing, I don't hate Mormonism. I actually love the church, I think the cultural and community are a great thing. The humanitarian efforts around the world makes my heart happy. But to believe in everything is a bit hard for me and I don't understand some aspects. Like they are too mean spirited or cruel. Or just plain weird as fuck. My dads death, was the straw the broke the camels back I guess you could say. Also if you were offended by my swearing in the previous post, you clearly don't know me. I was a pirate mouth before and when I'm anxious or stressed I'm a bloody pirate all day. Yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me... except the bad eggs and alcohol.
To tell me, someone who is grieving easily my favorite person in the world, beside my husband and kids, that I don't LOVE or HONOR my dad because I choose not to believe in all aspects of Mormonism is cruel, heartless and extremely unChristlike . Definitely not something my dad would say to me. You sirs can all unfriend me right now. I'm serious. I don't even understand how you could say that to anyone who just lost someone so dear to them.
So as I figure out my new normal, how to live without my dad, how to have faith that maybe God isn't a complete dick... I really still think he is though. How to raise my children believing in being kind and good humans and if we want to take them to any church so they can decide for themselves is something that I ponder and think about daily. What I don't need is people chastising me during this time. Or acting like I've lost my soul or my soul is dead so they are having a funeral for me. I'm still me.
Other reactions have been those of just love and kindness. I appreciate you soo much and I'm so happy to know I actually have friends... it's hard though for me. I was friendless a majority of my life, maybe one or two good friends but not many. My best friend was my dad. He helped me when I wanted to kill myself multiple times. So if I was socially awkward before all this madness, add social distancing and I'm an ugly duckling who has no idea how to turn into the swan. I am trying. Even when I don't want to reply to texts or messages, I do. But I need a break from Facebook. So love y'all, but unless I get a local influence offer for free food again I won't be posting for awhile.
Lastly many of you read the last post but did not read the post before that, I think that might help some of you understand a bit where my thought process is at. So I'm linking it here http://jennicaspot.blogspot.com/2020/03/faith-shaken-not-stirred.htmle
1 comment:
I find it interesting that people dont sympathize or show compation or emotion to others. That sucks balls. One thing people dont understand is that we all agreeded to come down to this earth to go through trials to challenge our faith. God is not all knowing because he hit the easy button. He had to learn just like we do. I can only imagine what the loss of a father and best friend is like. Im sure thats a difficulty i will one day have to face but for now i can see you're greiving and can not symptathize but empathize is what i can do. Im sure every day you're like Fuck this world. I've been there and its hard and im sorry. No words i can say will help but if you need someone outside of family to vent to let me know. Pirates are my favorite lol. People forget when we as humans and children of God have a life altering event happen our belifes are challenged. We struggle with all the other crap of life and are still expected to be "model mormons" but the cool thing about God the Father is he understands we have to figure stuff out on our own. I hope you find something to hold on to and until then make sure to comender a ship or two.
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