Be kind with your words

Wow, the reaction to that last post was unexpected. Some of it was cruel even. Definitely even reminded me of our political system right now, y'all went left or right. Sooo I think this will be my last public post for awhile.

Struggling with my religious beliefs was something that I have had issues with way before my dad died. But here's the thing, I don't hate Mormonism. I actually love the church, I think the cultural and community are a great thing. The humanitarian efforts around the world makes my heart happy. But to believe in everything is a bit hard for me and I don't understand some aspects. Like they are too mean spirited or cruel. Or just plain weird as fuck. My dads death, was the straw the broke the camels back I guess you could say. Also if you were offended by my swearing in the previous post, you clearly don't know me. I was a pirate mouth before and when I'm anxious or stressed I'm a bloody pirate all day. Yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me... except the bad eggs and alcohol.

To tell me, someone who is grieving easily my favorite person in the world, beside my husband and kids, that I don't LOVE or HONOR my dad because I choose not to believe in all aspects of Mormonism is cruel,  heartless and extremely unChristlike . Definitely not something my dad would say to me. You sirs can all unfriend me right now. I'm serious. I don't even understand how you could say that to anyone who just lost someone so dear to them. 

So as I figure out my new normal, how to live without my dad, how to have faith that maybe God isn't a complete dick... I really still think he is though. How to raise my children believing in being kind and good humans and if we want to take them to any church so they can decide for themselves is something that I ponder and think about daily. What I don't need is people chastising me during this time. Or acting like I've lost my soul or my soul is dead so they are having a funeral for me. I'm still me. 

Other reactions have been those of just love and kindness. I appreciate you soo much and I'm so happy to know I actually have friends... it's hard though for me. I was friendless a majority of my life, maybe one or two good friends but not many. My best friend was my dad. He helped me when I wanted to kill myself multiple times. So if I was socially awkward before all this madness, add social distancing and I'm an ugly duckling who has no idea how to turn into the swan. I am trying. Even when I don't want to reply to texts or messages, I do. But I need a break from Facebook. So love y'all, but unless I get a local influence offer for free food again I won't be posting for awhile. 

Lastly many of you read the last post but did not read the post before that, I think that might help some of you understand a bit where my thought process is at. So I'm linking it here http://jennicaspot.blogspot.com/2020/03/faith-shaken-not-stirred.htmle 

God is a Dick.

What do I even believe in anymore? I really was fine with death before. People died... and I was like ok, they are in heaven. Babies died, and I would be like ok, they were too good for this earth. I got that bad things happen to good people.
I still can't understand or comprehend why this happened. I can't even process the whole COVID stuff very well either because I'm still trying to process this.
It's been over a month and I can't even be a good mom half the time. I haven't taught Emerly preschool for awhile, she misses it. I'm barely keeping it together just playing with the kids. Few days she sees me cry and tells me to stop. She doesn't get it. She doesn't get that she is missing out on the best person ever. Parker will never really know him. It's so unfair.

I will never forgive God for this. I'm stubborn, and I will hold this grudge.
My dad was the best. I miss him soo much. I still cry almost every day. I miss his phone calls, I miss playing games with him, I miss talking to him about how to deal with other people in the family, I miss asking him for help and telling him he needs to teach Tyler how to do it.

This is my therapy at the moment. Just writing thoughts down. I don't like talking to people. They say, I'll pray for you. Fuck that. No offense but what prayers helped my dad? None.

His premature death that ripped him away so cruelly from our lives has broken me.

So I've been thinking a lot about my religious beliefs. I stopped wearing garments. I don't feel right wearing them anymore. I don't like the idea of three degrees of heaven. I believe in a God, who is really a dick---seriously, have you seen the world lately?? Besides not giving a shit about one of his most loyal wonderful humans ever, have you read the freaking news? Anyways... I also believe in an afterlife. I have to. I don't believe in karma.

What else I believe in, to live kindly and care about your fellow humans. To serve others. To love everyone. I believe in taking care of your body.... but even when you try you'll still have a gigantic ass heart attack so you might as well eat the ice cream.

Anyways... therapy session done for today, now if the tears can stay at bay till 5. That's when Tyler's off work. How I would manage without him working from home to take Emerly for lunch is beyond me right now.