Captains log, it's been 365 days since your body was still with us. Today marks the anniversary of when we as a family decided it would be best to turn off the machines keeping you alive. You would have agreed. You never wanted to be a burden to anyone. If you had Alzheimer's like your dad you always said you would go to the mountains and disappear.
But you also said you would get twinkled. You never said you would go unexpectedly. Or be in ICU for a week. It feels more like you really died on the 11th... and then till the 17th it was a roller coaster of hope to pain and absolute trauma. I wish that upon no one else. So the last week has been a wash of emotions from consciously trying not to think of you at all to remembering how much I freaking miss you and how much it hurts to think about your last week of "life".
Great now Chicago's Inspiration is playing on the random playlist for the kids and I am bawling. I miss singing or listening to this song with you. Going to RC Willeys for free hot dogs or just hanging out in your shop. Even RC willeys is demolished now. Sometimes I like when your songs come on and sometimes I hate it.
I'm still bitter and angry. I hate how we couldn't have a normal funeral or even a birthday party for Emerly and there was only 50 cases in Utah at the time. But one year later and we had a big birthday party with just family. Which being in Utah is still big. I hated seeing people this last year have weddings or funerals. I have a hard time when I see someone clearly older than you were and in worse health and they are still alive. I feel terrible for hating literally every single person over 65. I get mad at people for being alive when your not. I get annoyed at people I actually do like. It's not fair, and you liked to remind us of that all the time, life isn't fair.
Today I got freaking spoiled by a friend who also lost a parent. What a disheartening thing to connect us forever. Literally she made the day soo good that I started worrying about my siblings and who was taking care of them today. It's been a hard year.
Parker knows you. He knows your voice because of videos and he knows you because he sees your picture and says papa. It KILLS me that my kids won't remember you. It's not fair. They should be giving you double arm hugs and I should be yelling at you for scratching their face and making it all red from your bearded face kisses. I miss yelling at you that it's your turn. I miss your daily calls. I miss your advice. I miss complaining to you. I miss you.
I had a dream the other night and you weren't dead in it. You were alive and I hugged you and then I had to go. It was the worst thing to wake up to. I wish I knew I would see you again but I only hope. I'm broken.
I can't go to your grave site still. I drove past it the other day and had anxiety before hand because I knew I had to.
I also hate that I feel like your siblings don't give a krap about us. Like I knew we were the not most liked family I guess beforehand, but becoming an adult and seeing how I love being in my nieces and nephews lives really bothers me that none of my aunts or uncles on your side ever cared to do anything with us ever. I love seeing my siblings care about my kids and Tyler's siblings really dote on all their nieces and nephews. Maybe it's a generation thing. Or maybe it's the parks hold grudges over the stupidiest things like teasing and need to just stop. Maybe it's covid just making the relationships grow further apart but it's ARGHH annoying as fuck y'all. All of it.
Anyways I'm also pissed that my iPhone deleted your messages to me. Luckily I have them screenshotted and saved but still... I cried. It was just like another part of you disappeared forever. I want my daddy back. I doubt the pain will ever go away but I find that when I don't think of you, then I can function like a human being instead of a zombie. That's how much it hurts. I can't even bring myself to think of you. Today I have, today I have cried.
My other friend had her baby today. She's a wonderful person. I won't post this publicly because she will feel guilty for something she can't control. That's how great she is. She's really quite endearing. I wish I was like her.
Something I never thought I would have is good friends, and look here I am talking about two of them. Another two messaged me today and that was just so nice to be thought of.
You were my best friend for so long. And yet you also were gone a lot of our lives working. So it hurts you didn't even retire to spend time with your family. You would have hated retirement. Always needed to be working, and the thing is my house has soo many projects I would have kept you busy and the kids could have enjoyed their papa.
So now I will do my best to not think of you as much, so I can be present for my kids. I love you. I miss you.
