6 months post 2

 Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night like now, I only think of two things. Either you, or how much I've been failing as a mom/wife lately. Isn't that just a freaking sedative to go back to sleep on.

Ya know what makes me angry? When I drive past cemetery's and see posts on Facebook of people actually having funerals. We didn't get that. We didn't even hug your siblings because it happened so soon after lockdown. I want memories of you shared. I want to laugh and cry with people who you touched. I want to know that you are missed by others as badly as I miss you. I want to keep you alive. 

People try to be empathic, say yes I lost my dad to. But did you have SIX days of him on life support?! Did you hear his labored breathing? Did you see him open his eyes and not see you? Did you plead and yell and wish to everything that he just would wake up?! The 11-17th is a six month week reminder of the hell and trauma we went though in March. How am I supposed to be a good mom on my daughters birthday every year when her third birthday was barely anything. Let alone next year. How the fuck do I celebrate my daughters birthday and mourn your one year?! 

I hate this. 

I wish so badly that when I think of you I don't clearly think of your last days so vividly. I wish I could instead recall your laugh or your annoying us or just talking to us. I have videos and voice messages and I'm so grateful for that, but it's not enough. I'm happy the last words we spoke to each other were of love and our texts were fun. But my kids don't get you. I don't get you. 

Besides Tyler and the kids, you are my favorite person in the whole world. You were everyone's. It hurts soo much. Make it stop. You always said it'll stop hurting when the pain goes away so make it go away! 😭

I feel guilty when I don't want to think of you or talk about you because that's the only way I can be slightly numb to the pain and not cry the entire day. But I think of you every day. Every time I share something of the kid with mom or tys mom, I miss sending it to you to. Every time I drive up my mountain road and look for wildlife I think of you. Every time I play a game with someone and your not there I miss beating you or losing and you gloating. Every time I talk to mom I hear her pain I wish I lived closer to give her a hug. 

Thank you for being so wonderful it hurts so much but also I'm pissed your gone. You didn't even give us a warning. Fucking doctors saying you had a lung infection. 

Lastly if you could, give some karma to the cow since she's putting more trauma on our trauma year. Selfish cow.