Hardest week of my life

I was going to post on Facebook, just a blurb but then I'd have to deal with comments and likes and what not. I'm not quite ready for that so hopefully this will suffice any questions or curiosities that people may have. Also I apparently only blog on major occasions.
March 11th, I get a call my dad is being rushed to the hospital because he passes out. I find a wonderful friend to watch my children and start to go. I called the ER, they tell me he is responsive but had a heart attack. I drive for what feels like forever to University hospital. I go to the waiting room and I see my oldest brother crying. That's not right. Brandon doesn't cry. Brandon is strong and makes fun of everything and hunts and can cut people up and put them back together. Brandon doesn't cry. I knew something was wrong before he said papas heart stopped beating and they did CPR for 45 min. They are now trying to place a stent in. Basically I lose it. I'm still losing it, but more quietly. Less of my sister asking me if I need medication.
They got the stent in, but it wasn't enough. His brain didn't get the oxygen it needed and when he was simply supposed to wake up....he didn't. He just got worse. So began the limbo hell. Do we wait it out to see if there is any chance he wakes up? Do we let him go because we know he doesn't want machines attached to him? Hell. Straight up.

So today became St. Papas day.

I'm going to miss you soo much. I'm so angry right now, and scared and beyond depressed. It physically hurts how much I miss you already. The worst is my kids won't get to be played with by papa anymore and Parker didn't get a nickname from you yet. I only have two pictures of you and Parker together, luckily one set are live so they are like mini videos. You FaceTimed him all the time and just stuck your dang tongue out at each other and Parker would point at the phone and laugh and laugh. Freaking FaceTime doesn't save videos. We should have Marco polod but let's be honest there was only so much technology you could handle. You were so excited to get an iPhone you FaceTimed Emerly almost every day for two weeks. Sadly, Emerly is a stinker with phones so we had to limit her FaceTime with papa. I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at myself for so many things. Like why didn't I call you back Tuesday instead of waiting for you to call? I was planning on calling you Wednesday night after you got off work.

I'm a daddys girl. Always have been, always will be. I took his opinion on who I dated more serious than he probably thought. He would always say what about TyTy whenever I would go on a date with a guy while ty was on his mission. He loved teaching ty how to do things around the house. Who do I ask for help now?! You were basically a living google. We didn't even buy our first home without you walking through it and saying yup this is a good deal. Ya know what, it was. We lived there for seven years and barely did anything to it till we decided to move. You helped us redo the deck by using your old treks from when you redid your deck with new treks because why waste a good thing? . I didn't get your walkthrough opinion on our krap house before we bought it because I figured you'd help us fix it up. Seriously, do you know how much work is left to do?!

I guess I get to rummage around your shop aimlessly trying to figure out what will help me. You built moms house in the shape of an L for her name. Such a freaking romantic, we loved watching Ever After together. Or cutting edge, overboard, basically any romance sappy movie we'd watch together. When I had depression you were there. When Tyler left on his mission we watched Tron and transformers and you played cards with me all the time. Idiot, rummy (you'd always go for the aces), nopeeke, crazy 8s, speed. Gin rummy. Sequence game nights with mom. Whose going to be on Tyler's team now?

I never needed lots of friends because you were one of my best friends. I could always depend on you. It never mattered what I did you always loved me. I think you yelled at me maybe twice... once for sticking food behind the fridge and mice got in the house. You always would check my room for spiders because I was terrified of them.

Going to RC Willeys with you to get a hot dog and nothing else was one of my favorite activities. Of course if we saw a yard sale or something with a really good deal we couldn't pass it up. Like the one time we went to X Men together and came home with a motorcycle... it was too good of a deal to pass up. Or when mom bought her the Kia and two weeks later you bought her a Honda because it was such a good deal. Or whenever you came home from grocery shopping and bought the weirdest food and cereal because they were on sale. Always browsing KSL for good deals, goodness it's a good thing you didn't know how to Facebook marketplace.

I'm sorry I bought you Jazz tickets to a San Antonio game... in San Antonio... I blame the other siblings for trusting me hahah.  I am so grateful we were able to send you to Alaska for your 60th birthday but I'm sad you didn't catch that salmon you always wanted to catch.

You are the rock of the family. Whenever I argue with Terra or Brandon you are my reasonable sounding board and you bring us back together.

Who else is going to have elephants rumble under the table with me? Everyone actually cares about not farting around people. We just tried to out stink each other.

You taught me to serve others, always try to shovel snow from peoples drive and do it with a four wheeler. Secret Santa families because we have been given plenty. You didn't teach me how to deal with this pain. Your favorite saying was it'll stop hurting when the pain goes away. I don't think it ever will.

This is enough for tonight. It's a good thing I'm typing otherwise these words would be smeared with tears. Sorry this is all over the place.