Becoming someone new

 Yesterday I wore a tank top. That might not seem like something big to most people, but to me it was huge. 

I haven't shown my shoulders in years unless I was in  a swim suit. I didn't wear tank tops in the summer ever. I was taught it was immodest. Even before I got married and started wearing gs under everything I still never wore a tank top by itself. 

Here's the kicker though, I still didn't wear it all day. Not from feeling uncomfortable for showing my shoulders freely but because the lace on one side of the shirt was chafing my skin haha. It would have touched my skin even if I wore something underneath it. 

Still what an odd thing to be shamed over growing up. I did feel awkward, I'm not going to lie, but not in the guilted way. Like why are my shoulders immodest? 

I have one pair of shorts. Like actual shorts I bought for running years ago. Other than that, nothing. Part of that is because I got rid of clothes after I had Emerly, and haven't had the urge to really buy shorts. 

Anyways, I feel like after this year of hard grieving and covid krap I'm trying to find myself. I'm trying to find what makes me comfortable. One day me and ty will probably try a drink, maybe even a coffee or tea. I'm still confused on what tea is considered good or bad in the LDS religion so I just never drank it really. Ya know...just in case of something. 

As I find myself a little more I might be able to reconcile with what I believe in. I'm now looking at how everyone else raises their kids outside of the LDS religion. I'm slightly terrified of the thought of living in my neighborhood when my kids are teenagers and their friends are going to young women's/men's camp and youth conference and efy. I think that will be the time of our lives we will live in a different country. Let our kids really experience a different culture. Accept everyone for who they are and who they love. 

One last thing, I had someone ask me recently if we had our records removed from the church. I said no, then they were like see you can come back. No. I will never come back. This is not a phase. I'm not a teenager going through a goth phase or anything like that. Let me reiterate to you, my dad got a blessing from Elder Holland to work on the temple and then he had a heart attack at the temple and died. Betrayal of all things I used to believe in?! Hell yes. That was the straw that broke the horses back so to say. 

I miss him so much. There better be a heaven or I'm really going to be pissed when I die. 

Hope in heaven

 A little over a year. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I play cards with you every night before bed. Spider solitaire. Your favorite, you would get stuck on it on your iPad and I'd come along and finish the game. It's the only card game I play. I haven't played rummy, gin rummy or idiot in over a year. I don't know when I'll be able to play them again even thinking about yelling to you YOUR TURN makes me cry. I miss you soo much. 

I've driven to Salt Lake twice this year. Both times had panic attacks in the car. It's so hard. That week was so traumatizing. Driving to the hospital every day hoping your eyes would focus on us. Instead they only rolled. 

Emerly lately has been wondering a lot about what happens when we die. Where do we go? What do we look like? Who will be there? It scares me that I feel like I don't know anymore. I tell her we have a spirit and a body because that makes sense to me. We will see you in heaven and hug you. That's what I hope for, what I dream for. 

Being raised LDS and literally losing all faith has been hard. Everyone around me is LDS, and so it's not easy to talk about with them. Those who have left the church are bitter or angry and blame the church for many things... I am bitter and angry but I feel like my reasons do not align with others and so I also do not fit in with those people either. 

Granted I've rarely fit in anywhere. I was talking to Tyler the other day about how friendly and friend loving our daughter is. She is so kind. She wants to be everyone's friend and she loves people. Most kids do, they are great. But friends in general have changed as you grow up. When your little your friends are there to play and have fun. It's seriously the best time in life. 

Things I think changed for me when I went into Spectrum. The friends I had in school no longer wanted to be my friends because I got put into the "smart kids class". Even if we were in the same neighborhood. I remember going to church and they would be kind to me there but at school they would ignore me, like I wasn't cool enough, good enough or pretty enough. 

Then in junior high I met a friend and she brought me into her group of friends. I still felt like an outsider always trying to impress the others. They had established bonds, and it never felt like they wanted me there but because the coolest one wanted me there I was allowed. Thank goodness for people like her. 

I think I've always felt like I need to impress others or get them to like me. Maybe that's why I don't like people. 

There was a girl, she wanted to be my friend. She didn't have many friends, if any. I was afraid of what others would think if I was her friend. Because she wasn't cool enough. I was a mean girl. I regret that soo much. I always tell Emerly the most important thing is to be kind. I'm hoping that I am teaching her to be the friend to everyone. To be the girl that brings in the odd duck. To be brave and play with anyone. 

Now as an adult I find that defining what a friend is can be difficult and easy at the same time. I know I have friends. But I still feel that need to please the people around me in order for them to keep liking me. 

So going back to leaving the church had me worried that I would lose those friends I had made. I don't know what I believe in. I hope there is a heaven. I hope I see my dad again. He was my best friend. He was my daddy. And I feel like I missed out on knowing more about him. I think of my own mortality and how I've lived my life. Would I change anything? Is my story interesting enough for my kids to want to know me more after I'm gone? Probably not haha. I'm just an average person. At least they will have these ramblings to look back on. HI KIDS YOU MOM WAS KIND OF CRAZY. But the good kind of crazy. Freaking papa didn't even keep one journal. And your mom who didn't think her dad would die so early didn't hold onto one piece of paper that he wrote her. Not even a birthday card. Thank goodness your uncle went on a mission and we have those letters. So there's something. 

1 year later....

 Captains log, it's been 365 days since your body was still with us. Today marks the anniversary of when we as a family decided it would be best to turn off the machines keeping you alive. You would have agreed. You never wanted to be a burden to anyone. If you had Alzheimer's like your dad you always said you would go to the mountains and disappear. 

But you also said you would get twinkled. You never said you would go unexpectedly. Or be in ICU for a week. It feels more like you really died on the 11th... and then till the 17th it was a roller coaster of hope to pain and absolute trauma. I wish that upon no one else. So the last week has been a wash of emotions from consciously trying not to think of you at all to remembering how much I freaking miss you and how much it hurts to think about your last week of "life". 

Great now Chicago's Inspiration is playing on the random playlist for the kids and I am bawling. I miss singing or listening to this song with you. Going to RC Willeys for free hot dogs or just hanging out in your shop. Even RC willeys is demolished now. Sometimes I like when your songs come on and sometimes I hate it. 

I'm still bitter and angry. I hate how we couldn't have a normal funeral or even a birthday party for Emerly and there was only 50 cases in Utah at the time. But one year later and we had a big birthday party with just family. Which being in Utah is still big. I hated seeing people this last year have weddings or funerals. I have a hard time when I see someone clearly older than you were and in worse health and they are still alive. I feel terrible for hating literally every single person over 65. I get mad at people for being alive when your not. I get annoyed at people I actually do like.  It's not fair, and you liked to remind us of that all the time, life isn't fair. 

Today I got freaking spoiled by a friend who also lost a parent. What a disheartening thing to connect us forever. Literally she made the day soo good that I started worrying about my siblings and who was taking care of them today. It's been a hard year. 

Parker knows you. He knows your voice because of videos and he knows you because he sees your picture and says papa. It KILLS me that my kids won't remember you. It's not fair. They should be giving you double arm hugs and I should be yelling at you for scratching their face and making it all red from your bearded face kisses. I miss yelling at you that it's your turn. I miss your daily calls. I miss your advice. I miss complaining to you. I miss you. 

I had a dream the other night and you weren't dead in it. You were alive and I hugged you and then I had to go. It was the worst thing to wake up to. I wish I knew I would see you again but I only hope. I'm broken. 

I can't go to your grave site still. I drove past it the other day and had anxiety before hand because I knew I had to. 

I also hate that I feel like your siblings don't give a krap about us. Like I knew we were the not most liked family I guess beforehand, but becoming an adult and seeing how I love being in my nieces and nephews lives really bothers me that none of my aunts or uncles on your side ever cared to do anything with us ever. I love seeing my siblings care about my kids and Tyler's siblings really dote on all their nieces and nephews. Maybe it's a generation thing. Or maybe it's the parks hold grudges over the stupidiest things like teasing and need to just stop. Maybe it's covid just making the relationships grow further apart but it's ARGHH annoying as fuck y'all. All of it. 

Anyways I'm also pissed that my iPhone deleted your messages to me. Luckily I have them screenshotted and saved but still... I cried. It was just like another part of you disappeared forever. I want my daddy back. I doubt the pain will ever go away but I find that when I don't think of you, then I can function like a human being instead of a zombie. That's how much it hurts. I can't even bring myself to think of you. Today I have, today I have cried. 

My other friend had her baby today. She's a wonderful person. I won't post this publicly because she will feel guilty for something she can't control. That's how great she is. She's really quite endearing. I wish I was like her. 

Something I never thought I would have is good friends, and look here I am talking about two of them. Another two messaged me today and that was just so nice to be thought of. 

You were my best friend for so long. And yet you also were gone a lot of our lives working. So it hurts you didn't even retire to spend time with your family. You would have hated retirement. Always needed to be working, and the thing is my house has soo many projects I would have kept you busy and the kids could have enjoyed their papa. 

So now I will do my best to not think of you as much, so I can be present for my kids. I love you. I miss you. 

6 months post 2

 Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night like now, I only think of two things. Either you, or how much I've been failing as a mom/wife lately. Isn't that just a freaking sedative to go back to sleep on.

Ya know what makes me angry? When I drive past cemetery's and see posts on Facebook of people actually having funerals. We didn't get that. We didn't even hug your siblings because it happened so soon after lockdown. I want memories of you shared. I want to laugh and cry with people who you touched. I want to know that you are missed by others as badly as I miss you. I want to keep you alive. 

People try to be empathic, say yes I lost my dad to. But did you have SIX days of him on life support?! Did you hear his labored breathing? Did you see him open his eyes and not see you? Did you plead and yell and wish to everything that he just would wake up?! The 11-17th is a six month week reminder of the hell and trauma we went though in March. How am I supposed to be a good mom on my daughters birthday every year when her third birthday was barely anything. Let alone next year. How the fuck do I celebrate my daughters birthday and mourn your one year?! 

I hate this. 

I wish so badly that when I think of you I don't clearly think of your last days so vividly. I wish I could instead recall your laugh or your annoying us or just talking to us. I have videos and voice messages and I'm so grateful for that, but it's not enough. I'm happy the last words we spoke to each other were of love and our texts were fun. But my kids don't get you. I don't get you. 

Besides Tyler and the kids, you are my favorite person in the whole world. You were everyone's. It hurts soo much. Make it stop. You always said it'll stop hurting when the pain goes away so make it go away! 😭

I feel guilty when I don't want to think of you or talk about you because that's the only way I can be slightly numb to the pain and not cry the entire day. But I think of you every day. Every time I share something of the kid with mom or tys mom, I miss sending it to you to. Every time I drive up my mountain road and look for wildlife I think of you. Every time I play a game with someone and your not there I miss beating you or losing and you gloating. Every time I talk to mom I hear her pain I wish I lived closer to give her a hug. 

Thank you for being so wonderful it hurts so much but also I'm pissed your gone. You didn't even give us a warning. Fucking doctors saying you had a lung infection. 

Lastly if you could, give some karma to the cow since she's putting more trauma on our trauma year. Selfish cow. 

6 months

 Every time I think of you it's like the wound is open wide again. I don't hyper ventilate cry as much anymore, but the tears still come. I hate dreaming of you because I wake up and remember your gone. I remember my kids are growing up without their papa. It's the worst. 

I miss your almost daily phone calls, I miss your advice, I miss yelling at you that it's your turn, I miss the feel of your scratchy yet soft and actually groomed beard when I'd kiss your cheeks. I miss getting mad at your for hurting your head again and why aren't you wearing a hard hat? I miss you being the whitest person in the summer when we compared legs on the boat. I miss boating with you. I miss bringing you lunch while we all ate on the beach. I miss you. This summers been hard without you in it. We've had fun, but it's not the same. Nothing's the same. 

It's not fair. All you had to do was wake up. 

Parker said papa for the first time yesterday. I sometimes hope he isn't talking as much as he should be because he's talking with you still. You missed him walking, your missing his laughs and so much. It's not fair. 

Emerly misses you and wants to go to heaven to get you back. She doesn't scream I miss papa as much in tantrums anymore, partly I think because I've stopped crying by her. 

I think of you every day, and I just want to talk to you and you talk back. Just one more time.

I can't write anymore because now I'm bawling. So much for not hyper ventilate crying anymore. 

My amazing siblings

Three months and a few extra days since you've been gone. What's changed? A lot. A shit storm. But I need to write something positive. Anything. Because if I don't, that hole in my heart keeps me awake. It's hard to sleep.... I don't hear you gasping for breathe anymore.... when I do I can't cry quietly. Now I have new terrors keeping me awake at night. New worries.
So for now, here's something positive.

I'm grateful for my siblings and my mom. I love them fiercely. They have not always been there for me, and I have not always been there for them...but I will fight you if I need to should you treat them with disrespect of any kind. Granted, they won't let me fight you. They have restraint. They have patience. They have kindness. I don't understand people who take advantage of those with good hearts. I don't get why people say cruel and heartless things to others who still have a gaping wound in their heart due to you leaving us.

Some of my siblings are too kind. They find it hard to say no to others, they are people pleasers. I am the opposite in a way, I can say no. I want to yell and scream and go all Kung fu. Im so angry and maybe I should take up kick boxing or something because oye vey.

I miss my dads reasoning and advice. He never had a lot of words to say, but he always knew the right ones. He didn't offend people like I do.
I just want to word vomit. But I can't. You'd think this could be a safe space but it's not. If someone reads it and takes it the wrong way, the offense is created. So should I care? Maybe.

As usual lately my sentiments are all over the place. This Father's Day went to the krapper. I have yet to even make it awesome for my husband because I can't get my brain out of this fog.

So I shall listen to the Frozen songs advice on grief and "Do the next right thing" because that's really all I can do.

Also Emerly crying today and saying I want Papa back pretty much broke me again. She saw an airplane in the sky and said Papas in the plane mama. If only that were true.

Guess this is my grief journal

Two months since your heart attack.
Two months since my world went upside down, along with the rest of society. Great timing dad.
Two months of tears. Some days it's just a trickle, some days I feel like I can't breathe.
Everything is a trigger. When someone kindly says let's heart attack another person--meant out of kindness throws me into tears. When I'm watching my new favorite comedy and the dad has a heart attack and survives it... another show the dad has a heart attack and passes. Can we just not have any more heart attacks or dads leaving the earth too soon?!
Gardening sucks, working on my house sucks, hearing my 3 year old say she misses papa and his calls and my 1 year old looking at old videos smiling his head off just sucks. At least we have those videos.
Without those videos the thoughts of you in the hospital come back to me all too fresh. You opening your eyes but not seeing me. Your hands swelling with each passing day. And worst of all the sound of your final breathes. Why couldn't you have just woken up?!!!
I remember calling the emergency room and they said you were responsive. That gave me hope. How I wish I would have begged to talk to you then, to tell you we were all speeding up to see you. To be with you. Only to find out you coded...twice. So the 11th to me is your first death day, the rest was limbo hell...and afterwards it's only been hell.
I miss your phone calls. I don't like talking to anyone else. I miss playing cards with you and telling dad it's your turn. I miss stealing your iPad from you and finishing the spider solitaire game. I miss you stealing my food off my plate and sneaking me a cookie.

I'm so lost. I'm like a zombie robot. Pretending to be happy around others and my kids while simultaneously just living.

I'm so mad I love you so much that it hurts so much. To think I have to live soo many years without you and your advice and antics is the worst. I need my daddy back. This isn't fair.

People try to be empathetic and I feel like I'm so rude. They don't get it. Ok, so you had a parent die from an illness that was expected... you were ripped away from me. They have faith in the LDS teachings, and send me quotes by apostles. You were good friends with apostles and even had a blessing about working on the temple...you should have retired. Where was the Holy Ghost in that blessing? Where was the prompting to say you should spend your last precious moments with your family rather than waking up early, working late, working weekends all for your dream job you can't even complete. If an apostle can't even get that prompting what good is my faith anymore? People ask, did you eat right and exercise? You did. Probably one too many cookies but otherwise nothing to worry about. Stupid doctors who told you you had a lung infection. Stubborn you for not going back. And I hate this but I hate being mad at mom to for not bugging you more. The worst thing is I can't even change anything. Nothing I say or do now will bring you back. Nothing.

I know I've repeated these thoughts before, I'm an endless broken record. I don't know how to process what happened. I don't know how to accept that your gone. I don't know how to have patience to wait to see you again when I die. Patience is not something you taught me to have.

Last night our final round of trivia crack ended officially. I kept it going because I miss you so much. I didn't mind losing to you.

Before this happened, Em had gymnastics, swim and dance. We even did preschool together every day. Now I'm lucky if we do one day of preschool during the week. I could re-register Em for dance and gymnastics but my motivation to do that is just gone. I'd rather just soak up all our time together just playing. Thank goodness for work at home with ty. I